In a trusting relationship, words match behaviors.
One extremely important element of an intimate relationship is trust.
What is trust?
Trust grows over time and can’t be rushed or faked. Trust is about being able to rely on your partner for a sense of constancy and consistency in words and behavior. Basically, if you want a trusting relationship, the words that are spoken should match your behavior. That is how you know that your partner is truthful as well as consistent in what they are saying and doing. Otherwise, you are experiencing unreliable love.
We lose trust in our partner or in the people that we relate to in our family and friendships when we find out that we can’t rely on the individual for consistency – again, behavior and actions that match the words.
Maybe they make promises that they don’t keep. Maybe they keep you guessing in terms of what they’re going to do next. Maybe in a social dynamic, they set everyone else on edge by being unpredictable and chaotic in how they speak and emote.
Throwing people off guard and keeping everyone guessing are ways to lower trust in a relationship. If a person can’t be relied upon, we are less likely to ask them for help or support.
Tactics Controlling People Use:
They thrive on this dynamic because it makes them feel powerful to always have the upper hand and worm their way out of responsibility.
People who are controlling use vagueness as a means of keeping other people guessing. They can surprise you and pull the rug out from under you in any activity at any time. The effect is that it makes regular people feel nervous and unsure. We soon become the proverbial shadow boxer, always preparing for the controlling person to pull another string and throw us off-guard. Pretty soon low self-esteem follows as a result. The controlling person becomes even more controlling because that’s what they get off on.
Let’s talk more about controlling people and trust as it has to do with words, behavior, and actions. If we say exactly what we are going to do and then do it, the people with whom we are relating in our daily life can come to expect patterns in our behavior. However, a controlling person may not want to be tied to any commitments. They don’t want to be beholden to expectations from others.
This is why controlling people tend toward dodgy behavior. If they can keep people thrown off balance in how they relate, then they will always have contextual wiggle room to slip out of a commitment at the last minute if so desired. Truth be told, it’s easier to control people when they feel uncertain around us. Controlling people know how to put other people on the defensive. In this way, they will always have the advantage in any social dynamic or as far as personal commitments go.